Kind of insane moment of THINKING TIME

As mentioned in a previous post; it felt like I should have died in my sleep the night before my 28th birthday. It appeared too be that way when I got all cozy in my dream and started to drift off into a peaceful SLEEP TIME. Maybe if it was not for setting a really obnoxious alarm clock, for an ABSURD TIME, hearing the roar of cock-a-doodle-doo, wake me, I would have died. Unfortunately enough for those that really do "hate" me in the world, I'm still hear, purring and attempting to make peace in myself along with the rest of the world. This SUMMER'S TIME was spent reflecting: longing to help out Japan and the relief effort, the killing of Osama Bin Laden, becoming vegan, wondering what religion to really believe in, searching for a "new" creative outlook since kissing boys (ahhm men can only get me so far in life) and above all getting to the bottom of why I was fired for the FIRST TIME ever this summer. Going one by one: Japan, hmm, scared the living Jesus out of me. The Gaslight Anthem were there, my father's ex-company helped construct the nuclear reactors and that got me really thinking that maybe I really had not been doing my job in life that well. Wishing that I had money to fly to Japan, clean up their country or money to throw around to those that lost their families, friends, homes and businesses to a natural disaster. Sadly, none of the above really could be applied. My heart still goes out to the Japanese. Osama Bin Laden's killing, shook me, considering that my father almost died that tragic day in New York City (his birth city) and finally putting a terrorist to rest that literally killed thousands of people. I was 17 at the time, a few weeks from my 18th birthday and to this day suffer from PTSD (constant notion that another attack is upon us). When Obama came on television and spilled to the world that that reign was over, I was thrilled, but as the song, American Slang goes, "When it was over, I woke up alone". No one to share that awesome news with. There was something more to do in life than be proud of the fact that he was shot and killed with no remorse. Back to religion, now. In my little effort, for the Japanese, I tried to delve into a Buddhist side. Realizing that everything happens for a reason, living a much simpler life than before, focusing on my actions, learning to displace my energy elsewhere and trying to get a grasp on nature. It's hard especially when doing this all by observation and teachings from friends and books. Tiring in fact when knowing deep down inside that, that is not my finally destination. Let's forget about my constant need for creative. Music, art, appreciation for crafts and beauty. A longing to recreate a new-age renaissance feel. I am but one person; that's how I sometimes see life when growing up around just art and hardly any photographs (which has become a new outlook of mine). Wishing some would catch on and catch out, too. Wanting for those around me too see or believe things my way as well and stop looking at the world in such a hellish way. Instead, create beautiful things, keep witnessing "God's" awesome creations and loving people in a peaceful manner. The world to me is almost viewed as a mix of the movies: Avatar, Star Wars and The Lord of the Rings. Very futuristic, I know, but the metaphors are so right on. Keep looking for a positive future within myself and for the rest of the world. This head of mine :: is always in the clouds, it appears. The last two, I can't really explain or get to the bottom of, myself. What I do know, is there are a lot of things that really need to be on Earth to make it more peaceful or else we will find ourselves all living out of a garbage dump or underground (sounds threatening). Working together, mending that gap and building new bridges all are realistic, but there are so many small things that need to be done before those tasks can really be accomplished. As the popular saying goes, "Think globally, act locally". ie. American people, we need to start paying off our credit, so that helps with our deficit. (me included $50,000 in the hole.) Looking at all those that take THE TIME out of their day recently venturing over and protesting on Wall Street, I wonder to myself, "Do they have jobs?" Would kill to be employed right about now to get these debts that have accumulated under order. Selfish are you... accusing the President for not fixing what you could be helping to fix just as easily. Which brings me to my last and final thought of the evening. What if everyone had a certain calling, a particular mission that they needed to help with working out? For instance, my main focus would be, find a cure for the AIDS virus and knowing a friend's mission was to find a cure for breast cancer. Although this sounds schizo, it is really how I feel. My jobs done then. Those were the two things that I was set forth to really accomplish during this LIFE TIME. No more, no less, I came, conquered, divided, and know life will work out in a very unique way. Can rest in peace, get some sleep and see if I wake up tomorrow. Die with dignity and sweet dreams. However, I guess there really is more... because as an ex-coworker would like to put it, angels came down to do God's dirty deeds, place plagues on the Earth and for us to put the pieces of the puzzle together and find the ultimate cures. Life is challenging, exhausting, not easy, but can be fun. All in how you look at and I know that my job's never going to be really done. With a new generation advancing and constant changes in technology, there is always something that needs to be worked out and on. Very degenerating at times, but with focus and not turning frustrated together we can work on turning the world around and being on the same page. Would love to go back to college, finish my undergrad degrees, obtain my masters, so in hopes to work as an art therapist for a VA one day, but first there is still more growing up for me too do. TIME WILL ONLY TELL. It may never happen, but real life waking dreams, may come true. Until then, I will go get a check up, look for work and try to be a normal member of society. PS sorry for any grammatical errors or just terrible writing in general. Needed to get some things out of my head and off my chest onto some kind of paper and the kind of paper that hopefully someone else would read and not one that is in a book that is private and only to be meant to be seen by me.