FOR PEACE TIME

I don't want to go to work tomorrow for a million and one thousands of reasons.  Burnt out, constantly questioning my decisions in life.  For the most part aren't we as homo sapiens really supposed to rely on instinct, heart, judgement and facts.  But what did people do before photographs, written language, or spoken words in general?  Take even sugar for example only the rich were able to have it.  Poor people like me as a kid weren't allowed or able to afford it.  Why?  On the rare occasion my brothers and I split a box of Cap'n Crunch.  It would be gone within a day.  Sometimes, I would be too late to get any at all.

Growing up, I tortured myself.  Refusing to eat for days AT A TIME, locking myself in my room for what seemed like days AT A TIME.  Threatening my mom, one day heat exhaustion would get the best of me.  Ahh the Dog Days of Summer.

One Christmas Day while sledding with my brothers and a girl from my church everyone went inside because for idk what reason.  I was about 8 or 9.  Choose to stay out longer because secretly wanted to slide right into the river at the bottom of the hill that wasn't quite frozen over.  Daringly took the sled to the top of the hill, slid down fast, as fast as I could at top speed and got to the bottom of the hill falling right into the water, holding on barely.  Of course then I heard a voice saying that I couldn't die, yet.  Picked up the sled and headed back into the house where my parents sat at the table with her parents and my brothers sat on the ground in front of the TV with the parents adopted daughter playing Super Nintendo.

Came teenage years, Fuck the world.  FML  A "friend" pushed me on the path towards burning myself. First with just wax, then it was tempting to just use a match head once in awhile.

For the past 12 years I have spent every penny my Grandfather left for me in hopes of finding something or someone.  Unfortunately after maybe finding what I was kind of looking for, there is still me left picking up the pieces to my own life.  He worked hard for his money.  It wasn't something that was just handed to him.  Went to college, had strong faith, always gave back to the community.  Never was I raised to be selfish or heartless and I want to believe that other people haven't taken advantage of my good nature.  Even so, I'm such always a forgiving person that I want too still believe that me giving away my inheritance to people so that they could see the world and go to college is not really a bad thing.

Wanting to think that everything happens for a reason.  Must just be the DMT stuck somewhere in my brain connecting the dots to this weird strange fringe pattern of my life.  Living on my own sucks hardcore these days.  Hours were cutback at work.  Don't have parents to really ask for money because what, I'm 27 and should know better by now, right?

My life line is short, my heart is way too big for me, but may seem small to other people.  I'm an organ donor. My parent's are moving.  It is kind of them to STILL pay for my car insurance and cell phone.  Haven't spoken to my dad since May.  My mother and I text, but can't remember the LAST TIME I've even seen her.     Couldn't go to my older brother's wedding.  He is having a baby with his wife too.  Borrowing money from a friend for rent and paying back next week, but have hardly anything for food. etc.

See the thing is, I was so ready to do it back then, you know commit suicide.  My only question is, why can't I do it now?  Even though never have I fought in a real "war", seen enough "Shit" in my life to qualify me just as fit for something as in a WELCOME THE FUCK HOME.

The more moves I make the more I constantly have to be retracing my steps and wondering if yah, I may be in a dream world or just dead because ya know, I have dreamed of actually dying.  How many people can say that for themselves?    

My credit sucks so bad that can't open any accounts.  For some reason too, it's like I feel my life is planned out for me, but I am the only one that doesn't understand it.  Like I should be with my ex boyfriend down in Denver helping him become someone while I fall to the waste side again.  His father said I couldn't come back to New Jersey in the winter of 2008.  His grandfather died and was just as miserable as the ex.  Drove halfway to my parents almost nonexistent house in Missouri with our two dogs.  It was hell, snow, ice, the heater on my car broke, my roommates back in Denver and I were fighting at THE TIME.  It sucked.

Think this blog really is here to help me sort through some much needed issues that although I feel like I have helped a whole lot, resentment is still present as if it was really me that wanted to be born into this world.  Apparently though I beat out a whole bunch of other sperms to get to that egg, so must be somewhat tough.

Been practicing celibacy minus a few make out kind of hump ugh feel up sessions since March.  Drug free for well over a year.  Haven't smoked a cigarette since the middle of March, which is KILLING me.  Fuck and I'm well over 21 so you think I would be able to drink, but no gave that up SOMETIME in the middle of February.  My fix is gambling since living and working close to Native American Spirits it's only natural that I delve into some form of Indian fixation.

Right.

What now?  If I had money would I go back to drinking and smoking?  Maybe have a drink eventually one day, yah.  Drugs, oh there are still three hallucinagins that I haven't been able to get my hands on yet.  Won't be for a LONG TIME or ever and that's fine.  No TIME RUSH.  Never done any hard drugs except coke twice.  The FIRST TIME was awesome.  The SECOND TIME was terrible.

Happy to hear one of my favorite persons in the entire world is off of drugs and out of jail.  My life would have ended if I heard that something bad had really happened to him, like him dying.  If he's doing good, I guess that means that I should be able to stand on my own two feet again one day too.  I'm proud of him, he has a girlfriend and taking care of his son, which is good.  So YAY!

One day hope to have kids.  I want triplets and then maybe a fourth.  LOL  or Maybe just one.  That would be fine with me.  Always wanted a picture of me with my two grandmas since I'm named after them, but yah to no success, don't think it will happen ANYTIME soon.  Besides they probably all think that I am crazy as fuck so don't want to mess up their mojojo.

The purpose in my life is to either everything happen the hard way, kill myself, be killed, get into trouble and be locked up again in another institution or seriously buy a tent move to the woods and live off the land, never looking back or some shit.  Who knows.  I'm tired.  Hungry.  Miserable.  And way too Pure for my own good.  That just wants out of this game.  So with that notion.... This is for Peace.